


gifts and curses

by hanorganaas



Series: all's fair in love and war [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Ben doesn't become Kylo Ren, Character Study, Community: comment_fic, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Poe Dameron is a good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6408511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanorganaas/pseuds/hanorganaas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a universe where Ben Solo never becomes Kylo Ren, Ben deals with his crippling fear of using the force after watching his mother fall to the dark side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	gifts and curses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [creepy_shetan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/creepy_shetan/gifts).



> creepy_shetan prompted on comment_fic: _author's choice, any, fear of becoming just like your parent(s)_
> 
> Thought I would play in this verse with a Kylo Never Existed!Ben Solo cause it would be fun and get to see him interact with other characters.

It happened again. It always happened when his emotions were high and wired and Ben didn't have the conscious will to control the storm of power he has inside him.

He didn't notice it at first. He was so caught up in anger after the arguement he had with is father - the once playful man who used to carry Ben on his shoulders immitating noises from the Milenimum Falcon was now caught up in the work in the resistance he barely slept - but it was only after he heard the dull thud and a familiar voice crying out in shock that he was aware of what he done.

Ben's friend and fellow Pilot Poe was up against the wall feet off the floor, Ben could feel his hand shaking. Must have heard a noise and used his curse to defend himself on reflex.

"I am so sorry," Ben said using the force to gently move Poe to one of the couches in the room so he could have a safe place to land.

"No Buddy it's my fault," Poe said as sat up on the couch. "I should have known better to sneak behind a force user."

And then it came, not the guilt, but the fear. The crippling fear he would become like his mother. Ben never saw the full extent of her use of the force, his father did his best to shield him from that, but he saw glimpses. His mother sometimes holding her ears and screaming, while Breha wailed into the night and his father being thrown against the wall and sometimes choked by accident when his mother was under extreme pressure. The worst was the massacre at the second temple. Ben and his father surveyed the damage and there was nothing but bodies and smoke everywhere.

Every time Ben used the force even if it was an accident, he feared it was one step closer to becoming the woman he feared and resented. Thank the gods he didn't do any damage on Poe this time, but what if next time...Ben took a deep shuddering breath and landed on the couch next to his friend, feeling dizzy at his mistake.

"Hey Ben," Poe said as he wrapped his arm around Ben's shoulders, "You're not her...you made a mistake you are not going to go to the dark side just for being startled. If you were...you wouldn't feel gulty."

"My mother was like that until Snoke got her," Ben responded looking ahead of him _and had she not intervened it would have been me making a mess of things_ he mentally added.

"Yeah but you are stronger than her," Poe stated nodding, "hell you are stronger than your faher. You grew up in a broken home, you have to make sure your father doesn't work himself to death running this resistance and continuing his doomed struggle to save your mother, all while doing everything to break the persona around her that you are the son of Kyla Reia and the grandson of Darth Vader. You haven't broken once. Me, I would go mad if I had all that burden."

Ben couldn't help but smile at that. One thing he always admired about Poe Dameron was that he was able to look beyond his bloodline and always see the good. He wished he had that, maybe he would feel sorry for his mother and have hope like father did...

But Poe was right....Ben endured so much with his screwed up little family he was in without succumbing to the darkside. If he fought it for this long, he'll fight it even longer.

"No one is strong as you Poe Dameron," Ben said with a nod.

"Shut up and take the compliment Solo," Poe responded elbowing him, "you going to be okay buddy?"

"I think so," Ben answered.

Maybe one day he would be at peace with his gift of the force. Maybe one day one day he would be as optimistic as his father his mother would be back instead of feeding the man lies to make him feel better. But for now he had to focus.

As frightened as he was of the woman he shared his blood with she sacrificed her goodness to keep him safe. Ben couldn't spit such a thing back in her face.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be afraid to Send me Prompts at
> 
> http://melindamaay.co.vu/


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